Never Upset a Woman by David McCallum #701548

And upon reading that title, you can tell I'm in the dog box.


The male half of the audience is saying, "Duh!!" as if they can't believe anyone could possibly be so stupid.

The female half of the audience are tapping their metaphorical foot with arms crossed while asking "what did you do?" while studiously not adding the unspoken "this time..."


I should hasten to say, its not my fault. Not that claims like that hold any water, when breathing itself is proof of guilt, but it really wasn't.


You see, it's the Niode Videos.


I got more of them than she did.


On comparing notes, it seems that I got ones that were to do with off-road SUVs and all terrain tires.


Now anyone who knows us will be more than aware that it is the wife rather than me who is the petrol head in the family. This should of course be blatantly obvious to the advertisers.


The fact that they are apparently blind, stupid and wasting their time on me is my fault. And obviously makes them males because they should have been pre-sentient of those facts. Which is also my fault.


And the fact that I can't get in touch with them to rectify this situation is my fault too, and just proves that the advertisers are male because they haven't set up this provision. That bit ended up being my fault as well.


Now you may think, dear reader, that I would have learned my lesson and just stayed away from the female gender for the rest of the day... week... perhaps month until it all blew over.

But no, I had to go and compound it by going and annoying Queen Bun-Bun herself, Christine Mainer.


And in truth, it wasn't my fault. It was Bob Goetz of the AFF who started it. I was simply an innocent bystander, sitting up near the top of the mountain when Bob had to go and cause trouble by trying to take the top spot from her.


I was only stepping in to defend a ladies honour, honest!


But no, that was apparently the wrong thing to do.


And to make matters worse, every time I went back up to the top of the mountain to apologise and explain this misunderstanding, she took it as an attack. You just can't win sometimes.


Now admittedly I could have cut my losses far earlier than I did, but when Bob went and knocked her off the top again, there was a slight incident as Christine went charging up past me. The fact that it involved Christine coming full speed with her canopy open and carrying out some quite creditable body-line bowling with the crockery set was somewhat unexpected, as was her use of a rolling pin to clock me 'en passant'.


This could have accounted for my mild concussion and the resulting confused state during which I apparently made a bit of a nuisance of myself by having the temerity to attempt to win the aforementioned event.


Thankfully Christine was calmed somewhat due to her well deserved victory, and has agreed that she shall not publish the gun-cam footage of me riding into battle wearing nothing but a novelty bow tie and a party hat. Suffice to say that the correct way to hold a sparkler is using your hand and not the way I was, for want of a better term, carrying it.


It's not a good example to the younger pilots.


Neither, so she pointed out, is the use of "WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" at the top of your lungs something that should be touted as an acceptable battle cry.


I agree with her. She, is after all, a lady and therefore obviously correct.


Her and the wife both told me so.



Submitted by David McCallum #701548, image courtesy of Ron Frye #879655