As head of the Safety and Well-being counsel in this sector, it is my duty to ask you to help me with a problem that I've been having in regards to the misuse of the Mech Inferno and its weapons. I have sent out numerous memos on this subject but to no avail. It all started with a report from the jungle moon Rizpha where a lost scouting party had survived for four months by squeezing the oil out of a Snavurm and then putting the oil in cut down 55 gallon drums and bringing it up to frying temperature using the Diablis nozzle. Throwing in all the potatoes they had, they made French fries. Now it seems that around the month of July every backyard barbecue precedes to set people on fire and has them running and screaming in all directions as they try to duplicate this cooking procedure with the advanced weapons of a Inferno. Don't they understand that trying to cook with these weapons is like trying to walk on the surface of the sun at high noon in the lava flow? The weapons on this Mech are far too hot and too difficult to control for the novice individual and should not be attempted under any circumstances.
Reports have crossed my desk like this one. A moonshiner tried to get ahead in his business by connecting his Inferno to four stills to increase production. The temperature got too hot and things got out of hand and it blew that poor moonshiner and his four stills clear across town and through the roof of the local Stay Puff Marshmallow factory which sent globs of the sweet treat high into the air and created rivers of the molten mass down Main Street. Making the town folk look like sticky versions of Casper The Friendly Ghost. Some enterprising Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts looking for some money to support a trip they were planning, packed up their van full of Honey Grahams and Hershey bars and headed for the scene. The mayor was called in to defuse this sticky situation. A report just handed to me tells of an Inferno used to start a campfire on a battlefield, overshot its mark and set a field of popcorn on fire, sending a wave of the fluffy white treat as deep as a Mech's knees advancing in all directions. The strange popping sound was thought by both sides to be some sort of new weapon, but as soon as the aroma filled the air the only popping sound that was heard was the sound of the hatches and cockpit's of both sides as a scrambled to fill their Mech's and their stomachs with the tasty treat. This lasted for several hours and could explain the strange requests from the battlefield to send emergency rations of butter, salt and soft drinks. Later both sides slipped into their mech's and the battle resumed. Please advise me on this situation!
Signed,
Mark "Red-Hot" Stewig (#687261)
Dear Monk,
My name is Marianne Stewig, wife of Mark Stewig, and I am the elected Emergency Response Situation Director for our sector. In response to Mark's numerous memo's I have taken immediate action on the situations in question. I wanted you to know that we take these situations very seriously, and my husband seems to feel we do not. This is far from the truth. I would elaborate more on the subject, however I desperately need to wash this sticky, buttery substance off of my hands and knock back a few pints to clear my palate.
Signed,
Marianne "Knee Deep Molly" Stewig (#687261)
Dear Red Hot and Knee Deep,
......................unbelievable.................
Well, it seems you have several problems on several different levels. You have pilots in your sector using their mechs for very questionable personal escapades, a breakdown in communications from your Safety and Emergency counsels, and a deterioration in your marital relationship. Wow. Where to start, yeah?
First of all, your pilots are completely out of control. A mech should never leave the bay without authorization from the highest forms of authority involved in the unit in question. The fact that a moonshiner took out an inferno to run a still, is the report that actually worries me the most. You need to request a formal planetary congressional investigation of the command structure of your local mecha unit, and alert the constabulary police to the possibility that these occurrences may repeat themselves. Make sure they are alerted to the fact that their patrolmen should be issued plastic wet weather gear, wet naps, and goggles. Flaming gobs of flying marshmallow, rivers of molten chocolate, burnt chunks of graham cracker shrapnel, splashing boiling snavurm oil, exploding moonshine stills, and flying french fry projectiles are all hazards they should be equipped for.
Secondly, I am pleased to know that the safety commission is responding so swiftly to these matters, and that the emergency agencies are also taking these situation so seriously. What I am disturbed by, is the fact that all communication between the agencies seems to be one way, dead end streets. You both need to institute a policy of responding to all communications with a follow up response, indicating the status of the situation and the plans for continued handling of the problem. This should help lower the number of Smore related injuries in your sector by 50%.
Finally, you two need a vacation. Take two weeks, grab a flight to the surf and beach planet of Tiajuanitta 7, and just disconnect from reality for a while. Devote yourselves to communicating with each other, and if you have the chance, have mad sex as many times a day as you can. Your goal should be to wear clothes as little as humanly possible during your trip. When you return to work, your relationship, your departments, and the interaction between all of you and the local mecha forces, should be massively more integrated.
Good luck. Watch out for flying alcoholic smore bombs, and give the wifey a kiss for me, yeah?
Signed,
Monk "They don't pay me enough for this bloody job" Malone
Submitted by Ron Frye#879655