For several months now I have been studying advanced potions at school. I try my hardest but our instructor seems to hate me. I have tried being the best in the class, behaving myself at all times, and even went so far as to bring him an apple at the beginning of each lesson, but nothing works. The stress is severely effecting my performance on the quiditch pitch, my girlfriend thinks I am seeing another witch behind her back, and my wand is performing to standard ( and I am not talking about the wooden one I got from Olivander's either). Do you have any advice?
Signed,
Hogwarts Rulz
Dear Hogwarts Rulz,
.........Da fuq?..........
What the hell are you smoking, mate?
And can I get a quarter bag of it for myself?
Well, as for your paranormal studies and issues with your coven leader, I have no advice whatsoever. As for your issues with your girlfriend and your "wand", a tab of Enzite works wonders, just ask Smiling Bob! Once you get your wonder works running at full speed, everything else in life seems trivial. If you need to go stronger than Enzite, you are going to want to get your hands on a prescription for Viagra. Also, may I strongly suggest you do the following things in order:
1. Get a job and move out of your parents' basement.
2. Go to the mall, find a decent clothing store (pick one with lots of teens and young twenties types outside hanging around socializing with each other). Go up to the prettiest girl there and say these exact words, "I have no taste in clothes. I am a nerd and I need to change my life. Will you help me? Please?". I guarantee you will not only make her day, but based on how you look after the transformation you may just have a hot date that night as well. Be sure you bring a minimum of 200 credits (200 U.S.dollars if you happen to be on planet Terra).
3. Stock up on personal hygiene items that you may have overlooked in the past. The basics of toothpaste, soap, toothbrush, floss, razors, etc. are a no brainer, but you also need a decent cologne (a bottle should cost between 40 and 80 dollars....cheaper and its stink water....higher and its a woman's perfume they overstocked and are trying to play off on the ignorant), and you need hair care products (concentrate on dandruff control, conditioners, and antibacterial soaps), trust me on this last one, its a must.
4. Stop playing strange role playing games and spend your spare time obsessing about your new girlfriend, exercising to impress here, eating right so you can max out that muscle training and learning the importance of protein shakes and carb intake.
5. If the previous four steps do not work, then divorce yourself of all those strange role playing games you have been fiddling about with and come play Mecha Galaxy, it is a fantastic game that will provide everything you need. We are your family, mate! You belong with us! *begins to chant* One of us, one of us, one of us, one of us, "squirrel", one of us, one of us.............etc............
Sincerely,
Monk "Do not smoke Meth" Malone
Submitted by Ron Frye#879655