Synth Bacon Is Not Murder! You Dorks

The other night in a Cogwerk Port bar I was trying to futilely explain to an activist from BAT SHIT that blowing up the kosher pork reserves on New Zion was idiotic. It failed to register the brainwashed dolt that kosher bacon is not actual pork, but simply dyed beef that has been chemically treated to look like pork.  I tried to pay him no mind and was doing my best to concentrate on what most bar patrons do (which is get themselves hammered) when this guy has the gumption to... he starts preaching at me some nonsense that synth pigs had feelings too?! I would have written it off you know, continuing to stare into my Vitridian Elixer except for that after final drink was called at last hour by the bartender (cute buxom gal by the name of Sal with hair that has frosted tips that remind everybody of the colors of a Niode), this guy and some of those other creeps blew up a shipment of sausages I was being paid to help escort by a meat supplier.

I could tell they were the container the merchant had asked me to guard as the bits of meat splattered and squished against the bar windows in a greasy torrential downpour.  The meat which my services as a Samurai Mecha member had been commissioned to help transport. To an orphanage full of poor little rich kids on Rispa. This was my assignment, my job Dammit.  I paid the barkeep, got my coat, gun and sword and was buckling everything where it belonged.  She asked me if this was going to be another messy one and to please not break windows like last time. I said she knew I couldn't promise that if mecha were involved but I'd try not to.  So I was on my way out of the bar to inspect the damages when those drunken actiterrorists did something which I absolutely cannot forgive.

This bleeding heart militant vegetarian with his "crew" decided to spray paint graffiti all over my Krampus I had parked outside next to the cargo container. There were a few swear words I could not recognize along with phrases like "pig murderer" and a cartoon pig with X-ed out eyes.  I'd just had it MechWaxEd!

I sighed.  Somebody had to take these drunken rowdy hooligans down a peg and since the police weren't around I guess I'll have to one more time take up the sword.  I spotted their Warhorses and Anzu nearby and an idea for the correct revenge popped into my head.  To get between a space ronin of Mecha Samurai and his work was inadvisable.

With the finger of my Krampus, I reached its arm out and etched stuff which I don't care to repeat on their hulls about their mothers' "veginas".  Not one of my prouder moments, mind you, but I was pretty drunk at this point.  If it wasn't for how my mecha is polypedal and its recently upgraded targeting computer plus autopilot functions I probably would have tipped over.

What happened next I am trying to explain officer.  Look, The Warhorses and RedAnts evidently were not vacant, okay?  I didn't know the pilots were still in them until they started screaming over the com channels, so I'm not sure you'd exactly say it was completely my fault that in all swarming me they managed to flatten the bar.

While I'm glad nobody is going to press charges for it, and I'm very thankful that you're willing to help me wipe their blood and guts off my mecha, I don't quite agree that I should pay for restoration of the bar.

Okay, okay officer! I was joking! Of course I'll help rebuild it!  Whether I'd committed the property damage or not, if I hadn't instigated things then those BAT SHIT thugs probably wouldn't have wrecked the bar. Sheesh.  You can count on the word of somebody who follows the Mecha Bushido.

Lucky for me, the judge had a sense of humor and my sentence had been commuted down to just a few hours of supervised community service cleaning the wreckage up.  Totally Worth It.

Submitted by Mycobacter#712744