Some of you are laughing, some are nodding grimly. Those whose chests hang with silver and gold, those who are the elite in this mecha galaxy are nodding, for many of them are Brothers and Sisters of the Order of the Potato, and know what it means when the Lord Spud sends you a potato. I place my hand upon the potato and let its tech/organic circuitry read the implants the order made in my left arm, as I pronounce the oath: "By Spud Alone". A 3D vid of a man, a unit lineup and background project in the air of my office. Ben Parker #712900. What could he have done to anger Lord Spud?
I activate the Defenders of Bunny advanced AI unit (Yes I know, we told the Cogwork authorities we destroyed it, but really, an advanced rouge AI called Mighty Beatrice does not arise every day. She promised not to attempt to wipe out all organic life, and we promised not to loop Justin Beiber videos in all her comm channels). "Beatrice, analyze, Ben Parker history, read the spud data and correlate with Order interests; why am I ordered to hit him?
"Read your mail sugar. You ticked his weapon review as read when you skipped it. I told you gun-decking intelligence reports was going to bite you in the ass; well, chomp-chomp".
My AI put up the weapon review beside Parkers file...........
HERETIC! FOOL! He doubts the Potato! He dares to mock the Bulb of the Bold, the Vegetable of the Valiant, the Root of All Worth? No one mocks the Terrible Tuber and escapes the wrath of the Order. Lord Spud has chosen me for the collection. So be it.
While I am working myself up into a fury. Beatrice is proving that she can do more than surf porn (don't ask, what AI consider porn is bizarre), and make smart-ass remarks. As I open my mouth to begin barking orders, my implants ping with an update on my mecha status, the Potato Protocol has been initiated by my (forged) authority, issued at the same time chop as the potato teleporting onto my desk. I would love to know how he does that, but only Knight Commanders of the Bacon are permitted access to that technology, and I have not advanced to that rank yet.
My mecha are waiting. The Order's rules are simple. Three mecha only, equipped only with the potato you have won. You must demonstrate your superiority as a mecha pilot by going to war against fully armed and equipped mecha, wielding only the power of the potato you have won at Clan War. Only the select have won potato at all, only the most valiant have entered the Mechtathalon, and dared to count coup by striking not with the speed and fury of their weapons, but with the slow spud, the humble potato.
Justin Verette, known as Lord Spud, Master of the Order of the Potato charged us thus: "Any fool can spend or win weapons terrible enough to blow away their enemy, that proved your resources, but nothing else. An elite pilot knows it is the union of man and machine, of human will and machine intelligence that is the source of our power, and the purity of our art. The weapons are nothing compared to the trust you place in each other. What greater trust is there in each other, than to eschew the weapons of science, and go into battle armed only with the trophies you have won, and your trust in each other? Let they who are without fear take up the potato. Let those who are without peer prove their excellence upon the bodies of their enemies, out numbered, and armed only with your potato and your power, you will prove your worth. The Potato is the Way. In Spud is Truth. By Spud Alone will you be known"
Three Dreadnoughts await me in the bay. Each bears twin Spud Guns. The Gigus are whining, they know the honor belongs to the Dreadnoughts, and they don't like it. The Jottun grumble, but hard as they fought, they were not strong enough to match the Dreadnoughts. The Mecha too understand the honor, for those who bear the Spud, bear the Banner.
Ben seemed surprised when only three mecha came against him. His weapons blazed and hammered home, he seemed puzzled by our lack of response. He is not wrong, the Potato is not the way of speed. The Spud is slow to speak, and soft in voice. His point mecha eats a Potato and explodes. The Spud is Mighty, the Spud is Truth. To be honest, the ganged Beatrice Processors don't hurt either. I could critical kill with a loud belch with enough of these.
The Dark Matter Converter at my mecha's heart speeds our healing from the enemies weapons, even as our Shriekers amplify the power of the great spud guns. We won these against the 2nd Kearny Highlanders, where we first proved our worth by spud alone. You never forget your first potato. Oh look, the Terrible Tuber seems to have decapitated another mecha! Must pay more attention, Lord Spud wanted him alive.
Battle ends, we bind the penitent in the holy sack (ours says Kearny Gold, the Master prefers Idaho; like I said, you remember your first). We dump the swearing and confused Ben off at the feet of the master of the Order.
"Coming out of the potato sack in a fury, Ben's swearing stops as he sees Justin's somber face. Surrounding Ben on all sides are the Elite pilots of Mecha Galaxy. Each bear a potato on a Crystal chain around their necks. None are smiling.
Lord Spud speaks.
"Ah, young Ben. I would like to ask if you have given any thought to updating your review of the Potato......."
Submitted by John T Mainer#28840