“Derpman 3-4, this is ComCent, come in,” chirped his comcard.
"Derpman, go ahead Central.”
“3-4, what’s your 20?” asked Central.
“Um, Dockside, 3 blocks from the bar district. What’s up?”
"Disturbance call at the Pissing Dog. Suspect is female, possibly intoxicated, and is committing violence and property damage. Recommending caution at this time.”
“Central,” said Derpman, “is it Our Usual Suspect?”
"Affirmative. Caution is recommended.”
“Oh good. One Corporal responding. 3-4, out.”
This was going to be a most interesting night…
Five minutes later, Cpl. Derpman moseyed to the Pissing Dog Bar and immediately heard the screaming of the most obscenely creative profanities and crash of objects breaking. The patrons of the Pissing Dog were mostly milling around outside, occasionally taking cover from bottles or broken furniture that came hurling out of the front door. Derpman spied a slovenly man in a stained whitish apron taking notes on a datapad.
“Yo, apron. You the ‘tender or the owner?” Derpman asked the man.
“Both,” replied Apron. “What’s it to ya, cop?”
“Got a disturbance call, thought I’d come by to check it out.”
“Huh,” said Apron. “Must be some of the new guys. They just got off-ship today, and I guess the regulars were a little much for them.” Apron said, pointing at three men cowering behind a trashcan.
Derpman strolled over to them, noting with relish and glee how they flinched every time something flew out of the bar. “You guys called for the watch?” he asked them.
“Yeah! Crazy bitch is crazy! Watch out, cop!” one of them hysterically said.
“Tell me what happened.” Derpman calmly asked. This was his favorite part.
“Well,” started the most craven looking one. “We was just here, just got off-ship like four hours ago, long haul and-“ Derpman interrupted with a ‘move it along’gesture.
“Um. Okay, so we saw this here bar and was thinking to us, Gee, let’s check it out. So, we went in, just minding our own business and having us some beers when Turk here,” the coward pointed at one of the weepier of the three, “Saw this hot broad doing shots. So, he does what he do, and he went to talk to her. She lost her shit completely.”
“Uh-huh. Okay, Turk, is it? What did you say to her?” asked Derpman.
“Oh, um. Uh. Hi, cop. Sorry. I, uh, little accident just now.”
“Turk, what did you say to her?” Derpman asked again, stronger.
“Look, cop! It was nothing, you hear? Nothing! I just asked what a pretty bit-“
“Be real careful, Turk, and think about what you were about to say.” Derpman interrupted.
“Okay, sorry. I just asked how a come a hot bit of hot was just a mech driver and, okay, maybe she might show me her skills, like, and tell me how she got to do that. I don’t even know who she is!!” Turk broke down into sobbing.
Derpman sighed, like a man about to pick up a heavy load and not being able to put it down for a long time. Goddamn Karen.
The interior of the bar was a scene of chaos. Broken glass, broken furniture, broken men, and just broken. Derpman gazed around the now dimly lit interior since a lot of the neon signs and wall sconces were also broken. He heard muttered obscenities coming from behind a hastily assembled barricade of shattered tables and chairs and dented beer kegs. He mused on that, since usually Karen was much more poetic. She must be having an off-night.
“Heeeey…hey cop…” slurred a woman’s voice.
“Cop…*hic*…you gonna arrest me?”
“Good evening, Lady Karen. Having a good night, are we?” Derpman asked, amused.
“Hey…*hic*…go to hell, cop!”
“Karen, come out from behind there so we can talk a bit, okay?” urged Derpman.
“Eat me!” she screamed and tossed a empty box at him.
“Now, now,” Derpman said, “that was naughty.”
“Who that?” she slurred. “That you, O High and *hic* Mighty Senior *hic* Corporal of the Night Wash? Heh.”
“Karen, come out. I won’t ask you nicely again.”
“*hic* Yeah, Derpman! Don’t ask nice! I’m bad girl! *hic*”
“Lady Karen Isksenslet! Under the authority of the City Night Watch, I place you under arrest for flagrant crimes against the peace, public drunkenness, destruction of property, general mayhem, and for just being annoying!” announced Derpman. “I demand you come out from the barricade and surrender peacefully!”
“Surrender?! You want me to surrender! Death first!
Derpman immediately regretted his choice of words.
“You want me? Come and get me! I’ll blast you and this bar and everyone in it! When I’m done, you tell them *hic* you tell them and the King of New Londunorium that *hic hic* that the Lioness of Brittany is coming for him-*BLAAARGHcoughBLAARRRRG*!”
There ya go, Derpman thought. You tell the King what you think of him. He turned around, hearing someone else coming up behind him. It was Apron.
“So. I’ll call the wagon and someone will come and get her.” Derpman said. “Wanna make a damage claim?”
“Nah,” said Apron. “She pre-paid for this.”
Submitted by Karen Iksenslet#889315